Living with grief

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In July I lost my mum to breast cancer. This is not a post about my mum, her illness or our loss. Simply because it is too painful for me to write about and I wouldn’t make it through the first paragraph.

It’s a post about me and my grief, the grief that I live with every day.

I thought about calling the title of this post coping with grief, but I couldn’t as some days I don’t feel like I’m coping at all. I don’t want people googling how to cope with grief like I did in the early days and finding my article, as I don’t have any answers, only my experiences.

The best way I can describe my grief now, six months on from our loss, is like a tap in my heart is leaking. A slow drip drip drip of thoughts, memories and pain that flit across my mind for a few moments every day. Happy thoughts, desperately sad thoughts, and everyday thoughts about my mum, they all come. And they all add to the leak.

Then one day, my bucket is full and it overflows. It’s doesn’t take anything special to make this happen, it is inevitable, any one of the drips can be the one that causes the overflow.

Then I break, the leak pours out in tears, and a hole in my chest suddenly feels empty and hollow. The world seems wrong and I feel lost, alone and panicked. The pain feels just as raw as it ever did. Endless and overwhelming.

The only thing I can do is let it out.

If I don’t have time, if I’m driving or looking after Jake then I can only let out a little, relieve the pressure and then plug the leak. Refuse to think about it and bottle it up tight. If not, I find it best to get as much out as possible, cry until I can’t cry any more, empty the bucket, ready to start again.

People say that time heals. For me I feel like there will always be whole in my heart.Iit will never be the same. I’ve been broken in a way that can never be fixed. I do think over time the leak will get smaller and my bucket will get bigger so the overflow will be less often.

I live with my grief every day. It’s always there in some degree or another. This doesn’t stop me smiling or laughing, playing with my child or enjoying my life. At times I feel guilty about this, but then I think to myself how disgusted my mum would be with me if I threw away my life to embrace my grief. So I carry on, in this world that will never completely feel the way that it should, because I have no choice.

I will live with my grief, ever present. Accept it as a part of my life, as part of me. I will battle it along the way.

I will not let it consume me.

Post Comment Love

11 thoughts on “Living with grief

  1. Such a lovely, honest and brave post. I’m so very very sorry for you loss. It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK not to be OK. But it’s also OK to enjoy the good things you still have in your life. You Mum would be proud of you xx

  2. I’m so sorry that you lost your mum. I wish I knew something to say to comfort you other than be strong. The fact that you are carrying on every day, doing the best you can for your little one and focussing on good things, (like your new house and dressing table) means you are coping. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you are winning because you are not letting it consume you.
    Grief can hang around a long time so I think the title of ‘living’ with grief is accurate. My dad died over 7 years ago, he was a troubled man and we had a difficult relationship, yet I still find it too hard to talk or write about. I feel like that about him so I can only imagine how much worse it is for you and the thought of my mum not being around (she survived breast cancer the year after my dad died) sends my heart racing in panic.
    I guess all I can say is that it will slowly get less over time and hopefully the wonderful memories of your mum will be less painful. Ok, think I’m going to go and cry now! Well done for sharing such an intimate post xx

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. It was a difficult post to write and I wasn’t sure I wanted to share it, but I am glad I did after getting such lovely supportive messages in return

  3. I’m so sorry 😦 that must have been so hard to write. My dad is seriously ill at the moment and I just can’t believe that I will cope when he isn’t around anymore 😦 grief is something that terrifies me xxx

  4. So sorry for your loss. I haven’t experienced this kind of loss, though last year my Uncle’s wife passed away. I wasn’t really that close to her, but I’m close to him and my cousins. And I can’t imagine going back home and not seeing her there. I grieve for her and for my Uncle and cousins too. #PoCoLo.

  5. What a heartfelt post to write. I cannot imagine the pain of losing your mum, but I am sure that even just writing down your feelings will have helped ease the emptiness in your heart. For now, you have to be strong for your family. Somebody once said, ‘It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.’ Remember, your mum will live on forever in your heart.

  6. What a heartfelt post to write. I cannot imagine the pain of such loss, but I am sure that just writing down your feelings will have eased the emptiness in your heart. As somebody once said, “It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” Just remember that your mum will live on forever in your heart.

  7. Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry you lost your Mum. Mine has had breast cancer twice now and I am so lucky that she is still here. All my best thoughts and wishes to you, I hope that the memories get easier in time. Thank you for linking to PoCoLo x

  8. I am so sorry to hear about your mum.I haven’t experienced the loss of someone close to me othrr than my grandad when i was youngso I can’t even pretend to know how it feels. All I I can imagine is that time will evenatually make it easier ( a cliché i know) and you will be able to look back on memories with a smile, sending hugs xxx

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